Katy Perry copies Beyoncé. The Beyhive hit DEFCON 1.

Katy Perry will be releasing a new perfume, because her belief that women should aspire to smell like her armpit infused with a hint of bergamot and Russell Brand's dick cheese is so paramount. Peep her commercial teaser for her new brand of air freshener and let me know what you think. Don't bother, I'll tell you what you think for you. BEYONCÉ.

Oh, Kitty Katy. Your pussy done put its paws in the wrong honey jar. Because the Bey hive will come for a bitch how dem bees came for Macaulay Culkin at the end of My girl. She really did mess with the wrong one.

Here's o2yoncé's commercial working the same theme. Just in case you forgot, or are wondering what the fuck Katy is being accused of copying. For the record, Elizabeyoncé's commercial looks like it had a professional ass budget. Katy looks like she was working with high school props.

Whilst Pepsiyoncé did not invent the Elizabethan era as her fans would like to believe, the concept coming so close to Beyoncé's has irked the Bey hive to no end, prompting them to drag Katy across hot coals and a staircase lined with broken jewel cases of Teenage dream and those thousands of copies of 4 which went unsold.

In other news, Katy Perry is gearing up for the release of her follow up to Teenage dream, with her new single "Roar" set to premiere real soon. We know what to expect from this damn album. There will be Dr. Luke. There will be Max Martin. Every single she releases off of the album will be a fucking smash. And no matter how hard you try to resist the allure, you will grow to love at least 3 of the 8 singles this woman will release from this album. Meanwhile Beyoncé's album is so far in Limbo that the only person who has heard anything from it is Farrah Franklin.

Music video: J-Pop's latest girl group FAKY debut with "Better without you"

With Namie officially now sat on her own Avex sub label Dimension point, Ayu flopping like fuck and nobody at Rhythm zone caring enough about Kumi's music to stop it from leaking a month before its release - Avex have decided to crack a whip on some young impressionable bitches who will be begging for their life back if Avex work them how they used to work their roster circa 2001. You'd be hard pressed to tell this song is J-Pop though. Given that it sounds like K-Pop and looks a heck of a lot like it too.

"Better without you" is a crime against a really good chorus. Ruined by verses which sound like your atypical K-Pop mess. No melody, no rhythmic pattern. Just warbles and stuttering vocals over a musical backdrop which sounds like an electric toothbrush with a dying battery and a paper shredder trying to chew a credit card.

I'm beginning to wonder why Avex even bothered to have the girls shoot a music video. They may as well have saved themselves the clothing budget and pay out for the extra's in the club scenes and just had FAKY flash on the screen in every hexadecimal colour for 4 minutes and 49 seconds. And yet again we get girls styled from the Jeremy Scott school of hard cocks. Sports jackets, baseball caps, hi-top trainers, bold printed leggings - all of which we have witnessed South Korea run so far into the grave that Korean entertainment firms could qualify for archaeology. For Avex to have felt that this was the way to go for their new group is sad. Japan has enough K-Pop exports. The last thing it needs is a home grown group performing K-Pop knock offs, regardless of how much better FAKY can sing than Girl's generation.

I will be keeping my eye on these girls in the vein hope that this was just Avex punk'ing everybody for some attention and that FAKY's follow up singles will be a bit less reductive and bastardized. Then again, this is Avex. So that probably won't be the case.

Ayu may want to get on those knees. FAKY on the payroll now means less budget for her.

Lady Gaga sits on a chair of motherboards...naked. All in the name of Artpop.

Lady Gaga looked a Photoshopped mess in that vile shoot she did for V magazine. And whilst Gaga still refuses to put on some clothes, she at least looks normal in the latest promo shot for her upcoming album Artflop. In fact, she looks pretty hot. This would have made a pretty fly album cover in place of that Paintball goggled, Shakira faced looking ass mess.

Entertainmentwise.com had posted an article on which Lady Gaga gets blasted by somebody who was close to her, but is clearly sick of the bitch now. Or was just spilling Gaga's tea to catch some money from a tabloid. Calling her out as being a man eater and an absolute freak in the bedroom. It's what everybody thought / knew / guessed from when she dropped that "LoveGame" video anyway. But let's mull over this shit regardless, because it paints some pretty funny pictures.

She takes what she wants - because she can. She is obsessed with men. She will do anything to get a guy. She is a complete exhibitionist and has had sex in places where she knows strangers can see her. Her love-making is a big performance. She loves doing weird stuff in the bedroom. She is as extravagant in bed as she is on stage.

This may turn some guys on, but watching Lady Gaga being carried to my beside in a giant egg would not do it for me.When I want sex, I want the sex. A little role playing here and there can be fun and good foreplay is everything! But by no means would I ever want a full blown VMA performance. Bitch, your pussy ain't THAT special. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to finish my outfit for my pre sex performance of The lion king. 

Brandy speaks on her duet with Jessie J. I am disappoint.

Jessie J has let it slip a little while back that she had recorded a song with Brandy. Brandy was embarking on her Two eleven world tour (aka Taking Sy'Rai to school) at the time and wasn't able to comment on this herself. But with her tour now wrapped up (Sy'Rai be on Summer break) Brandy has since sat down and given her 2 cents on the collaboration. Shedding light on how the unlikely collabo came about and who else was involved.

Brandy went straight from the musical clutches of a woman beater ("Put it down") to a man who uses under-age girls' faces as urinals (R. Kelly). How about she works with a black man who don't be disrespecting women and breaking laws?!

Can't say I'm excited about this. Jessie J has a good voice. You'd be hard pressed to hear it with all the over singing she does. But it is there. Somewhere. I have no interest in hearing anything Jessie J does. I think her music is shit. The only song of hers I liked was "Domino" and that was only because it sounded exactly like Katy Perry's "(Last Friday night (T.G.I.F)" which I was still in love with at the time Jessie released her knock off. I am pissed that Brandy decided to do a song with Jessie J of all artists. I can only deduce that Brandy went along with this because she is desperate to try and show she is of relevance to UK audiences, seeing as the US has stopped caring about her.

Why couldn't Brandy have hooked up that Kelly Rowland collabo she kept hinting at for years!? I'd love to hear these 2 flops on a song, as their vocals would go nicely together. I've been waiting for Brandy and Kelly to work together again ever since Brandy wrote and produced the vocals for "Love/Hate" from Kelly's debut Simply deep 11 years ago.

On a slightly unrelated note, Brandy's short, bobbed, scruffy wig in this video suits her. Her usually Vulcan hairline actually looks natural.

Reviews: Human | Put it down | Wildest dreams | Two eleven

Ailee calmly sings hoes under a Seoul tram in her comeback performance of "U&I"

The best vocalist in K-Pop made her comeback on M! Countdown with her new song "U&I" - sounding like a Rich Harrison joint with a catchy horn sectioned riff and sassy neck snapping lyrics that disco diva bitches would snatch for.

Ailee struts onto the stage calmy with poise and sophistication and shows lesser broads in 3 minutes how you give strong vocals without screaming all over a beat and dance a routine without so much as a pussy pop. Beyoncé best sit her ass down and watch this shit. I've seen those Miss Carter World show performances of "Crazy in love". A n***a couldn't even hear the music through all of the screaming. And I was exposed to more pussy than the midwife caught at the birth of Blue Ivy.

The thing with Ailee is that when all else fails, the vocals never do. The song could be a hot mess and her outfit could look like something Tina Knowles stitched together with a fractured wrist, but the vocals stay on point.

Now if Ailee could whip on some Kenzo and do me a cover of Beyoncé's "Grown woman", that'd be great.

Music video: Bonnie McKee - American girl

This song is absolute rubbish. There are 2 things I find tragic about this song:

1. It could very likely end up being a massive hit complete being a piece of shit.
2. Bonnie McKee will get called out for sounding like a Ke$ha and Katy Perry clone, when the irony is that she wrote each of those talentless tricks their biggest hits and helped cultivate their sound alongside Dr. Luke and Max Martin.

"American girl" represents everything I have hated about Dr. Luke's production for years, which is that it is completely vapid, disposable tripe with no substance to it at all. And the biggest peeve of all? ALL OF HIS SHIT SOUNDS THE FUCKING SAME. It doesn't matter who Dr. Luke works with or how different artist a's vocals are from artist b's, he will make them sound the same and smother a bitch in the same tired song structures, chord progressions and slap auto-tune on that shit.

Then there's Bonnie's image, which does nothing to separate her from all of the other dip-dyed, talentless broads showing their arses and pushing their titties together in music videos shot at the local 7-eleven and some local house party. More-over, Ke$ha, Katy Perry and Britney have ALL done this video too, which does Bonnie no favours. It's making her look like a clone as well as sound like one. A shame, because Bonnie has a better voice than Ke$ha, Katy and Britney and comes across much more vibrant and likeable on celluloid.

McKee is a talented songwriter. I get why she wants to come to the forefront of her music. It's only natural given the hits she's been responsible for and the artists she's worked with, that she'd finally want her turn in the spotlight. But this is not the look.

Bonnie McKee is also responsible for pretty much every hit Britney has had post Blackout and also co-wrote Namie Amuro's "Make it happen". So, Bonnie be getting PAID either way - whether her solo career takes off or not.

Perfume gives London its life during their World tour 2nd stop at Sheperd's Bush

Perfume embarked on a world tour which made a stop at my home town of London and I was fortunate enough to attend. I'mma just get this out of the way here and now. The gig was fucking amazing. I've been slow to appreciate what these girls do, but that all came to a head during this concert. Perfume put on a show. Wonderfully intricate and simple. Big, but intimate.

The range of people at the venue was as varied as fuck. There was no particular type at this concert. There were youngsters there from the age of 12, to crusty old men in their 50's. There were white girls with blonde pig tails, middle aged Japanese women, tall black guys (What it do, yo!!). Perfume's demographic is wider than the chasm between current Ayu and her former self who was able to sell a record. The wonderful thing about this is that it validated how diverse Perfume's fanbase really is. And seeing all of these people gave a nice sense of affirmation (not that I needed it, as I don't give a shit) that it's okay to like Perfume. No matter who you are. Once you are inside the venue, the lights go down and the music starts pumping, every body is one and the same.

When I got into the venue and saw the stage, I was throwing shade all over Twitter and Instagram about how cheap, basic and run down the stage looked. But then it happened. The lights went down and even in the pitchest of blacks you could all make out A-chan, Kashiyuka and Nocci taking their positions on the stage. They stood. Motionless. Silent for an entire minute and then it began. These bitches gave the flyiest looking gig intro I've seen in my life. You all remember that spectacular spectacle from their showcase in Cannes which surfaced on YouTube a month ago, right? They did that whole damn thing and gave Sheperd's Bush its entire life.

The intro was nothing short of spectacular. Lighting and projection are always the focuses of Perfume's performances. But even in lieu of what they've pulled off at the Tokyo dome, what they put on in this small little shit hole of a venue in West London was breathtaking. I watch videos back of it now and I'm in awe of how brilliant it all looks technically and wonder how the fuck it was all done. It's like watching some form of illusion. And just when Perfume have have grabbed you by the hair with their epic filled intro, they mass scalp the crowd with a remix of "Spending all my time". Perfume forums are already calling for this remix to appear on their Level 3 album and I'd have to co-sign. When I heard it on YouTube I wasn't too on board with it. But upon hearing it live, I'm now in love. House loving gays and those trashy clubs drunk white people go to for Summer holidays in Europe will be all about this remix. Then just when you think the girls might stop for breath to address the crowd, they go straight into the album mix of "Laser beam", complete with green laser beams which I'm almost certain blinded the home girl on crutches at the far back - stage right. Perfume dropped new choreography to this mix of the song which saw the girls step and flick their fake telephones like Kashiyuka's hair depended on it. The girls opened with a killer string of songs and did not let up until the encore.

For the encore the crowd has three choices: "Nee", "Glitter" and "Love the world" - with Perfume performing the song to which the crowd cheered the loudest for. It was a tough call between "Glitter" and "Love the world" and I was pretty sure "Love the world" had won out. But much to my delight the girls performed "Glitter" - the most fitting of songs for them to close a set with. London. I love you for loving this song as much as I do. And once again, it was a nice sense of affirmation for me that I wasn't the only "Glitter" loving Perfume fan in the village. The performance was fucking magical. The front row was getting crunk, people in the back swaying in unison, everybody was mesmerized. The only thing missing was the shower of sparks during the final run of the chorus to match the video. But Perfume's tech team ain't trying to burn down the Sheperd's bush empire. Although that place could do with an insurance claim to make way for some much needed renovation.

Perfume's set list was generous on hits and also showed love to their B-sides. "Polyrhtyhm" B-side "Seventh heaven" turned the entire venue in a crub. I hadn't heard this song before and Shazam'ing and tweeting like a mo'fucka for somebody to identify the song. Turns out Perfume-city forums dwellers were Twitter watching during the event and managed to identify it for me. Why Tokuma communications left this song off of Game, I do not know. The song is a BANGER. As on point as their performance of "Magic of love" was, they threw that under a Central line train with "Daijo banai". The dance routine to this song gives you everything you didn't get from the videos to "Spring of life", "Spending all my time" and "Magic of love". The damn song should have been an A-side. "Handy man" was played during the intermission, but alas...there was no performance of it. A real shame, as I think a performance of it would have been a nice surprise and gone down a treat, as by this point the girls already had everybody in the palm of their hands. The venue was packed with fans who knew all of Perfume's material, so "Handy man" would not have been a stranger to anybody. The girls also performed "My colour", which was a welcomed entry to the setlist, as it was my favourite album track off of JPN. It was the only moment during the entire gig where the girls didn't dance their arses off. But of course Kashiyuka still arched that back, A-chan still got on dem knees and Nocchi worked dem legs how she always does.

Let's get one thing straight. A-chan and Nocchi know a fair amount of English. A-chan was off stage for much of Perfume's first segment of banter with the audience. She'll tell you it was due to a wardrobe malfunction. I'll tell you it was so that Nocchi had to put herself on the front line with the Engrish to make it easier for A-chan later on. But Nocchi rose to the occasion. The bitch knows a nice amount of English. And she sounded so cute speaking in it, that I was ready to drag her to a late night Nigerian registry office and make her my wife. A-chan is every bit as crazy and energetic as she is in interviews. She was absolutely obsessed with fish and chips (an iconic and historic Britishish meal) and used any opportunity to just say the word, commandeering the crowd to chant it with her. She also surprisingly broke into Queen's "We will rock you" - tearing through that first verse live and in English. The crowd went ballistic as it was so unexpected and unlike what you'd expect Perfume to do. A-chan is that chick. I'd get with Nocchi for the sex. But I'd wifey A-chan. She's so fun and playful and didn't seem phased or shy about speaking in English despite her limited grasp of it. In fact, she seemed to enjoy speaking in it, because she got instant reactions from us every time she did due to us understanding her. Kashiyuka didn't really do much tho' *tumbleweed bounces down the escalator of Sheperd's bush station*

What really hit me about Perfume, is that despite coming off as giggly little girls who are so in awe of everything new and so wide eyed at being in London, the second the lights went down and the music stared, they transformed. A-chan could stand and be shouting "Fisss ando chipssu!" one moment and then in a heartbeat she's switched on and Samurai slaying the absolute ribbons out of a routine. It's crazy to see and I guess part of the charm of Perfume. That they seem like regular girls who are able to pull off something rather extraordinary.

All of the videos I took at the gig are shit and it was just my fucking luck that my phone battery died mid way through. I'm not going to bother uploading my videos to YouTube as there are so many better quality videos which have been uploaded by those who had gone to this. For now, I'll give you some Japanese news coverage of the gig which shows that good shit shot by proper cameras and not some shaky ass Samsung Galaxy.

Perfume's London gig was an absolute blast. I hope as a result of the success of their 2nd world tour, that Perfume's team will extend their European leg and also add US dates - doing bigger venues and also working in some press. If Perfume announce future dates and that they are coming to snatch wigs in your country, do not think. Just go. You will not be disappointed. Even if you aren't a fan of Perfume, just take the plunge and go for the sheer experience of attending a J-Pop concert. Perfume's live showmanship is something to behold. Haters can shit on them not singing live all they want, but your fave ain't getting on those knees like A-chan, Vouging out a routine to a Euro house banger like Nocchi and kicking the pussy out in heels and a mini skirt like Kashiyuka. And your fave's creative director ain't coming with anything as fly as that "Spending all my time" set.

Shout outs to the super fan who was in the first tier stalls dancing the choreography to PERFECTION to every single song Perfume performed.

Reviews: Game | JPN | Spring of life | Spending all my time

Lady Gaga derp faces with her pussy out for V magazine

To get people talking about her Artpop album, Lady Gaga has done what she does best. Skanked it up and opened her legs for a fashion magazine. I don't give a fuck about how much weight she's lost or how on point the monsters think her flat stomach is - this picture is vile. Not because Gaga is naked, but because there's nothing redeeming about it. Her hair looks a mess. The pose looks awkward. Her hand is semi cradling her pussy as though she's about to shove a finger in there. AND she's derp facing.

Listen to... Beyoncé - Grown woman (Monsieur Adi remix)

Beyoncé is yet to release a single. But the song which we all thought was going to be a single (and really shoulda been) has already seen itself get an official remix. French remixer Monsieur Adi takes the African percussive female anthem and transforms it into a funked up electro disco banger of epic proportions, which sounds like something from Daft Punk, circa 2004. Something's in the water in France. I'm convinced now more than ever.

I always love when a remix takes the original song and turns it on it's head. It's how a remix should be done. I love this. It'd be great if Beyoncé switched things up on her tour and began perform this version at select shows. Although she'd have to re-work the entire set, as the African theme of the original setup would lose all context seeing as Adi wiped all trace of that away with his remix.

And just like that, fans have another slice of Beyoncé material to tide them over until the phantom album materializes into something real and Columbia bother to make this woman release a single.

Album review: Namie Amuro - Feel

Back in 2002, Namie left Pop on somebody's door step, ran as fast as she could and never looked back for 10 years. But much like a curious mother seeking out her adopted child, Namie is at that point of latching back onto what she let go of all those years ago. Feel is Namie coming full circle with herself.

In hindsight it feels oddly like Namie was always supposed to reach this point. With an original studio album titled Past < Future following a best compilation which is references on its album cover, then an album which used an eclipse as its creative motif. Many have already called Namie out for  selling out and being commercial, but what would you expect from an artist who is signed to Avex, started off in a group covering Eurobeat and has been commercial for 20 years!? I can't condem Namie for this when she strikes gold for 80% of this album.

Each of Namie's albums from Style onwards has been heavily based on what is hot in the US at the time of its release and Feel is no different. We get EDM, house, a bit of trance, a splash of disco and a heavy dose of wub-wub only 2 tracks into the album. It would have been very easy for everything to feel cookie cutter as a result of this, but the results are difficult to dismiss when Namie sells each of these songs with much more gusto and self assurance than she ever did when she was transitioning into R&B with Genius 2000 and Break the rules. It also helps that the songs are really fucking good. The haunting euphoria of "Alive". The Dr. Luke esque-warbles of "Rainbow". The big beat drops of "Hands on me". The euro house rave of "Heaven". The island swagger of "La la la". The K-Pop bounce of "Supernatural love". The garage / 2-step kilter of the M-Flo tinged "Stardust in my eyes". Every song has a life unto itself and holds well on its own - which was the one thing Uncontrolled lacked, as the singles from that album only worked when they were put together. Feel is Namie's first album which makes you seriously question the eligibility of Namie releasing something in the West. UK and US radio could play "Hands on me" or "Heaven" in between a Rihanna and a Pitbull track and nobody would question it or wonder 'What the fuck was that!?' Namie could have a strong international 4 single run with songs off of this album easily. Namie isn't just harvesting Japanese wigs. She wants some white girl weaves and hood clips in from bitches in the hood.

To say Namie has a vocal range would be the pot calling the kettle a non singing bitch, when the pot's name is Pamyu Pamyu. But Feel explores her vocal selling in a way none of her other albums do. There's an energy and life in Namie which runs through each of the songs. She sounds ravenously desperate for cock on "Hands on me". Super sassy on "Supernatural love" and seductively reflective on the possibility of actual sex on the beach in "La la la". This is Namie at her most confident. That shy, uncertainty Namie had about her before, it's nowhere to be seen on this album. I guess that's what shitting on Ayu's sales does to a woman.

Uncontrolled marked the first time that Namie had recorded a batch of songs entirely in English, and with Feel continuing on the trend, this is something Namie fans will need to start getting used to. At this rate, her next album will be completely in Engrish. We all joke about how Namie makes up her own language when she sings half of these songs, but for her to do this shows great bravery, as well as an appreciation for her fans outside of Japan and also an ear for what makes a song flow better. There are many chicks in J-Pop who wish they had the balls to sing a verse in English let alone an entire song. Namie's English melds better with the music here than Utada's did for a chunk of Exodus and she doesn't rely on auto-tune and vocoders to mask how bad her English is how BoA did on her English language debut. The only issue with Namie's English on this album is it is so wildly inconsistent. Generally, her English is a shit tonne better than it was on Uncontrolled. Her English on "La la la" is so near perfect that I get emotional and shed a tear every time I hear her sing the first verse and she sounds like an almost fluent English speaker during the rap sections of "Supernatural love" and "Heaven". And yet, we gets 'supplies' instead of 'surprise' and 'parking rot' instead of 'parking lot'. I love Namie. On a good day I would defend this bitch and argue she was talking about issuing aid in Iran (supplies) and that cars are susceptible to corrosion when parked in a particular way (parking rot). But I can't defend this shit when she's able to pronounce the word 'stratosphere' on one song, but not the word 'heaven' on another. I know English is not her first language, but if she's going to start recording the bulk of her songs in English, she needs to brush up on this shit. The issue isn't that she can't pronounce the words, it's that we know she probably can or could if somebody sang the words back to her. Home girl needs somebody to quality control her English across every song.

Feel is a much more consistent album than Uncontrolled. But that sticking feeling that a couple of the songs were recorded before a musical direction for the album was settled on lingers across it in the same way it did on Uncontrolled. To a lesser extent, but to an extent none-the-less. "Can you feel this love" and "Big boys cry" sound completely out of place and pale sonically in comparison to the rest of the material. "Can you feel this love" isn't terrible, but it's not a song you would ever voluntarily skip to. And "Big boys cry" is just rubbish. I expected better from Dsign music. I am appalled that it took a team of 7 songwriters who were responsible for the perfection that was Girls' generation's "Genie", Jasmine's "B*TCH*S" and Crystal Kay's "What we do" to come up with something this bad.

Namie has done Pop better than Britney did on Circus and Femme fatale. Has done electro and house better than Madonna has done on every album since Ray of light. She has taken a hot steaming dump on so many bitches in Pop. But as good as this album is, I'm still left with a feeling of wanting more and that this evolution in Namie should have come a little sooner. What Feel represents for me is an album which is solid and has many moments of greatness, but is let down slightly because so much of it should have been given a couple of years ago. But I also appreciate that in many regards, Namie was somewhat of a late bloomer. Despite me picking apart this album in the final moments of my review, I admire that Namie once again switched up her sound, stuck with it and made it work. If Ayu and Kumi weren't taking notes after Namie wiped the floor with both of their wigs with Past < Future, then they had damn well better pull out a Muji notebook and take some fucking notes now. Ayu and Kumi need to start switching up their sound and stop playing it safe. You could argue Namie played it completely safe with this album being of a sound which has been saturating the top 20 for the past 2 years. But she still showcases a form of evolution that I've yet to see and / or hear from Ayu and Kumi, who seem overly content with just continual re-hashes.

I find it difficult to rank this album amongst the likes of Past < Future and Play because it offers something entirely different. Play was a hot album because it was a much more refined version of Queen of hip pop. Past < Future was a solid album because it absolutely nailed every sound Namie had been trying to go for since turning over to the Urban sector. Where-as Feel feels like it marks a new turning point in Namie's career altogether.

Comparisons aside, Feel holds on its own as a solid album and is certainly in the running for one of the best produced J-Pop albums of 2013. It is a great addition to Namie's discography and anice showcase of what she's able to pull. I never would have thought Namie could hold her own on some of the styles she exhibits on this album, but she really does own her shit.

Album highlights:
■ Alive ★ J's fave
■ Contrail
■ Hands on me
■ Heaven
■ Poison
■ La la la ★ J's fave
■ Supernatural love
■ Stardust in my eyes

Perfume interview Kumi Koda. Kumi keeps that shit real.

Perfume caught Kumi in her dressing room backstage at Music Japan, where they had a few minutes to shoot the breeze with the skankiest woman in J-Pop. Kumi talked about her life back in Kyoto and also reservations she had not long after giving birth to her son.

I hadn't seen this video translated anywhere, so I took the liberty of translating it myself. My Japanese is a bit rusty, but I hope I managed to get across the main jist of what Kumi was saying.

Perfume reviews: Game | JPN | Spring of life | Spending all my time
Kumi Koda reviews: Black cherry | Trick | 3 splash | Universe | Dejavu | Japonesque | Summer trip

Listen to... Justin Timberlake - Take back the night

Justin is officially done with the first part of The 20/20 experience. Those "Tunnel vision" titties haven't been on YouTube for 14 days and he is already dropping a follow up single from the second part of The 20/20 experience. I can not believe RCA records let Justin pass on releasing "Don't hold the wall" and "Let the groove get in" as singles - something I will stay mad that Justin for until he's back with Britney and pigs fly.

Now let's talk about JT's new-new and get the obvious out the way. This shit sounds like Michael Jackson. Most of Justin Timberlake's material wreaks of Michael's Saturday night weave. But "Take back the night" sounds like some straight Off the wall Quincy shit. It's a nice song. I like it. But it's nothing amazing. It's very pedestrian. And as with half of the songs on The 20/20 experience, it's 2 minutes too long. It doesn't even feature a middle 8 or a beat switch.

If this is the kind of vibe JT is going for for his second part to The 20/20 experience, then I hope Pharrell Williams is / was a part of it. I've been waiting on P and JT to team up again since Justified. I'd love to hear what the 2 of them would cook up in the studio now. Especially with Justin on his throwback shit and Pharrell having gone old skool with Daft Punk and Nile Rodgers. Robin Thicke would spit blood over that reunion, I'm sure.

Album arts + tracklisting: Beni - Red

Beni thought she'd hit the jackpot with Covers, which went on to be the biggest seller of her career and push more units than an Ayumi Hamasaki album. Beni thought she was the teflon don with the sales. So much so that she rushed out Covers: 2 thinking she could match prior success. But she quickly saw that Japan really ain't got no time for that.

Shockingly, Beni has done an Emancipation of Mimi and scrapped naming her albums after Care bears. I was expecting this album to be titled Sparkle, Diamond or Sapphire. But she curve balled me with Red.

How is this woman going to call her album Red, rock a fly red couture dress sat in a red chair, with a red lampshade and not rock a red bottomed Louboutin? Bitch, bye.

1. Intro
2. Reason
3. Satsuki ame | さつきあめ
4. Our sky
5. Fly high
6. Concrete rose
7. Red
8. Angel
9. Sweet danger
10. Sands of time
11. Home sweet home
12. Eien | 永遠
13. AM 2:00

Shockingly, regular contributor and master beat-recycler Daisuke Imai has only contributed to one track to this album: "Sands of time". D.I is a hot producer, but that man recycles beats like Evian water bottles. Given his dwindling output across Beni's Jewel, Fortune and Covers albums, it was only a matter of time until he was slowly kicked to the curb. Beni has instead opted to draft in Hirofumi Asamoto to handle the Lion's share of the album, who last worked with her when she was signed to Avex over 6 years ago. Beni is on that throwback shit.

Album reviews: Bitter & Sweet | Jewel | Fortune

Music video: Janelle Monáe - Dance apocalyptic

Did hell just freeze over? Because Janelle Monae is rocking a crimped weave down past her shoulders and chest popping her titties on a stage not wearing a tuxedo!

It took a while for me to warm to "Q.U.E.E.N", but "Dance apocalyptic" is love on a first listen. If Janelle were to gig with this at UK Summer festivals, she could have a hit with this over here. Let's not forget her gig at Glastonbury which saw The ArchAndroid's "Faster" soar to the top of iTunes charts before her Glasto 2011 performance of the song had even finished.

As hot as Janelle looks in this video, it is sub par by her standards. We've seen this type of video done a million times before. So it would have been nice for her to have given us something a bit more unique and original. If this were your first introduction to Janelle Monáe you wouldn't get any sense of how unique she is parading around in this anybody video.

Album reviews: Metropolis suite: The chase | The Archandroid

A photo of what Namie Amuro DID NOT give us in the "Heaven" video

Can somebody please tell me why we were denied this full body shot of Namie working this be-dazzled mirror dress and stripper heels in the "Heaven" video?

Music video: Fantasia featuring Kelly Rowland & Missy Elliott - Without me

Don't nobody wanna see Fantasia cocking her legs open in an alleyway wearing Britney's entire get up from the "Scream and shout" remix video. But we shall stay for Kelly Rowland looking on point in that body suit and thuggin' it out in the combats and the beanie. Kelly has been shitting all over Beyoncé's sexy like a 3 month old Blue Ivy with an upset stomach. That long wig with the bangs is doing it for me. And it's nice to hear Kelly sing about something more substantial than her pussy, but less heavy than a tale about domestic violence and being jelly of the 'Amazon empress from the kingdom of lost wigs' better known to us as Beyoncé.

It's nice to hear a straight R&B collabo with 3 females. This shit makes me feel like I'm in the late 90's when black women were able to get paid on R&B. Not like now.

Missy must feel like absolute shit. A dyslexic woman who can't tell the difference between a real Louboutin and a thrift store knock-off and Beyoncé's ex back-up singer have both managed to release 2 albums in the 8 year gap in which Missy was supposed to drop hers.

Single review: Kumi Koda - Summer trip

Kumi never passes up a chance to skank it up and give Japan a whiff of the in-between of her legs with a Summer EP. (Japan gets MAD humid for the Summer, so that shit must smell like dead Raccoons). Summer trip is business as usual. Giving birth to a child has done nothing to evolve or change Kumi's style in anyway. So those of you hoping for something a little different here will be disappointed. Those of you who live for Kumi doing the same old, same old trick of one trashy rock song, one hood track and one pop jam will love this shit like a cat all over a freshly cooked kipper.

Kumi starts off her Summer trip with "Lalalalala", which is Kumi's obligatory trashy rock song - in which she wanders around Venice beach looking like a rabid fan who had escaped from the set of Christina Aguilera's "Your body" video shoot with a handful of her 'My little Pony' hair colour clip in's. "Lalalalala" is wholly pedestrian, but it does its job. Whenever Kumi tries too hard with anything it falls. And just like a slow walker on a Zebra crossing, Kumi pedestrianizes all over the hood track "Touchdown". The song is nothing special. Fans are already doing war on YouTube and Tumblr over whose version of the song is better (JoJo had recorded a version of "Touchdown" 2 years ago). But "Touchdown" works well because the song is simple and once again Kumi isn't overtly trying to be too hood or wildly freaky. She's just taking it easy over the beat and working it out. The same can't be said for either of Summer trips' videos, but those are another story.

"Is this trap?" is the best song on the EP, yet the most flawed. It's the one song which had the most potential to be that big killer song which this EP sorely lacks, but the structure never allows this song to truly get off of the ground. It sounds like a really loosely produced version of Rihanna's "Who's that chick?" and a RedOne leftover from Lady Gaga's The fame. The hook is absolute fire, but the sparse, off-kilter vibe of the verses knocks the song off balance. And there's no skirting around the horrendous whiff of Engrish in the song title. It's a shame Kumi didn't didn't shoot a video for this song, because out of the 3 offerings on Summer trip, it's the song which stands out the most and feels as though it could have been a stand alone single.

For each of these songs on Summer trip, Kumi has done a better version of it before. "Touchdown" pales in comparison to Trick's "This is not a love song". "Lalala" pales in comparison to Universe's "Lick me". And "Is this trap" doesn't hold a pussy whiffed wine bottle to Trick's "Driving". Which were all much better songs, done years ago. Whilst none of the individual songs on this release are amazing, collectively they work together nicely. But I just wish Kumi would move away from this tired formula, because she is becoming too predictable and this offering pales greatly in comparison to what many ladies in J-Pop have served up over the past couple of months.

Despite Summer trip being comprised of what Kumi has done countless times before, she sounds much more comfortable on this release and her vocals feel much more in line with the music. Kumi has a habit of trying to out-sing the production which is reigned in completely on these songs. Her sense of melody on hooks is much tighter than its ever been on anything she's released before. She also rides the music differently in a way which makes you feel as though she is gearing towards singing a song in Engrish as Namie has taken to doing. But unless her Engrish has improved since those tragic versions of "Real emotion" and "1000 words", she may want to stay tight with that Nihongo.

Summer trip is a cute collection of songs, but they aren't memorable for shit. Of all the Summer singles to have dropped so far, this is ranking as one of the most boring and least care worthy. 4 times and 3 splash were much better than this and they were by no means all that good.

Highlight:
■ Is this trap? ★ J's fave

Listen to... M.I.A. - Bring the noize

Was anybody awaiting this woman to make a comeback? I can't say I was, but it's cool to hear something new from her. She best not talk out the side of her mouth about how other chicks in pop be conforming though. Not after she mimed on stage alongside Nicki Minaj and Madonna at the Super bowl. I wouldn't say M.I.A. sold out, but thousands would. She best act humble.

"Bring the noize" is of a different gear for an M.I.A single. She usually goes for songs which feel much more like sing-a-longs and are void of any real rapping. But "Bring the noize" showcases M.I.A's rap skills in a way in which we've not heard on a single before. The whole vibe and M.I.A's tight rapid fire delivery reminds me of "XR2" from Kala, which was my favourite song off that album. With any luck we'll get a swagtastic video like "Bad girls" to go along with the song. I want to see chicks in Kenzo jungle print Burka's and Air Max 1's, popping and locking their pussies in a shanty town in front of a Volkswagon Polo.

M.I.A forth studio album Matangi is due for release later this year. I can't wait to see the horrendous album artwork for it. She's got a really tough act to follow with Maya's cluster fuck of YouTube player bars.

Music video: Tommy february6 - Runaway

Tommy february6 s the only woman in J-Pop whose bitch face could do battle with Namiserable Amuro's. She would of course lose. But those dead eyes would make Namie ask herself 'Who dis bitch think she is!?' and take her seriously for a hot minute.

"Runaway" looks like your regular Tommy february6 fare, but sounds completely different from anything she's done before. The song is sung entirely in Engrish for a start, and second of all this shit sounds contemporary. I didn't think Tomoko acknowledged any type of music which was released outside of the 80's.

I'm not entirely loving Japan's current craze with these Dr. Luke sounding songs. We've got Kumi on it for "Is this trap" from her EP Summer trip and Namie dead surfing the shit with "Rainbow" from her 11th studio album Feel. But I do like this song. I'm all about those burping noises on the verses and Tomoko playing those white men like her hoes.

Listen to... Mutya Keisha Siobhan - Flatline

The Mutya Keisha Siobhan (who I will continue to call the 'Sugababes' regardless of legality issues with the name following that shit which happened 4 years ago) have finally lifted the lid on their brand new single. And d'ya know what? It's awesome.

I wasn't entirely sure what to expect from their new single prior to hearing it, but "Flatline" hits the mark. Much like their debut single "Overload" it doesn't smack you square between the eyes on a first listen. Yet, there is something irresistibly alluring about it. And before long you're loving it and playing that One touch album in disbelief that this is actually happening. The original Sugababes are back together again, giving The Saturday's and Girls aloud their life with one hand and snatching their cheap hair extensions with the other.

"Flatline" is a breath of fresh air at a time when UK girl groups are scrambling on their hands and knees to catch a hit and find a sound which sticks for longer than KISS FM are willing to play it on the radio.

Mutya, Keisha, Siobhan and Dev Hynes. Making your fave girl groups' latest single sound like a reductive mess.

If you're wondering what happened to Amelle, Jade or Heidi, you can find them at select Post office's on a Monday, cashing their benefits cheques.

Music video: 2NE1 - Falling in love

The bitches that everybody once loved and is now sick to the back teeth of are back with their long awaited comeback "Falling in love". All this song does is cement for me is that 2NE1 as a group are not relevant. YG needs to cut Bom and Dara's cheques and just focus on CL and Minzy, because they are the only 2 members of the group worth a won. What exactly did Dara's Gwen Stefani, Tragic Kingdom looking ass self contribute to this song or video? And why does Bom looks like a female CG render from the Tekken 2 character select screen?

"Falling in love" is a nice song. I like that Teddy Park avoided drowning these girls in EDM or running them over with a Hummer truck with some faux hood nonsense. But let's all be real. Nobody is going to remember this song in a week. 2NE1 can perform this shit day and night on Inkigayo and have Yang Hyun-suk project the video 24 hours a day on the side of the YG HQ building and still, nobody will remember a thing about this song.

Crystal Kay covers Capital cities. Shits on bitches.

Crystal uploaded a new video to her YouTube channel and declared that she'll begin posting covers. Every time this girl uploads a video to YouTube she says she'll be updating her account frequently and then makes everybody wait 6 months for a new video. But if Crystal really wants those YouTube hits and some free promo to help her future albums stay in the ORICON chart for more than a week, then she will need to keep to her word. We all know how covering songs on YouTube is 'a thing now' which can lead to super-stardom and record deals.

Check out the first of Crystal's 'official' YouTube covers by some band you've probably not heard of.

You don't need to be familiar with the source material to know that Crystal SANG this shit. She entered the studio with nothing but her trilby and a Starbucks frap and left with a bunch of new fans and a crate of wigs.

Beni best watch her shit. Her BFF went in for a hug and pulled away with every strand of her hair. Angela may want to check on her Songbook wig whilst she's at it.

Listen to... a ragged ass version of Beyoncé's "Standing on the sun"

"Standing on the sun" - another single which should have been, but never was and ain't never gonna be is doing the rounds online. Which means that Blue Ivy is at it again. Stealing mummy's USB sticks and uploading songs via Zshare. As with the "Grown woman" leak this version has the sound of a crowd all over it. And likewise as with "Grown woman", the version we heard Hennes and Mauritzyoncé perform live acts (for now) as the definitive version of the song.

This particular leak isn't much to get excited about. You don't hear a great deal more than you hear in the H&M commercial aside from a really short second verse and an instrumental passage of the song. And it seems pretty clear that this either an early version of the song or a fan made cut and paste job, as it differs heavily from the version Beyoncé had performed in Belgium. The intro is different, Raggayoncé's rap is omitted, as is the breakdown featuring Mr. Vegas. As I say all this, I wonder why I am even bothering to post this shit.

Word is abound that Timbaland is the producer of this song. There's nothing distinctively Timbo about this production and I never would have thought for a second that he was the producer of the song. So I'm going to be sceptical of piece of information until I see some liner notes or Scamyoncé or Timbaland confirm this themselves. I'm not convinced Timbaland produced this, but I could be completely wrong. And the more I listen to this the more I convince myself that he could have. If I were to have heard the first half of Justin Timberlake's "Pusher love girl" or "Blue ocean floor" prior to knowing Timbaland was involved with them, I never would have thought he had anything to do with either song, so... *shrugs*

And alas, we still await news on a single and that album. Everything is currently pointing towards an end of year release, which may not be as terrible as everybody is making out. Everything Beyoncé has done since her Super bowl performance has essentially been promotion to fuel the release of this upcoming album, so it may work out well in her favour.

Namie plays the piano in her music video for her Engrish ballad "Let me let you go". Alicia Keys' wig is not safe.

That awkward moment when you didn't realize that Namie could pray the piano and wonder if she in fact, can. I'm just going to be a gullible fuck and say that Namie can play the piano, because shit is more fun that way. And it just adds to her skill set of effortlessly making other females in J-Pop look rubbish.

"Beautiful" was a a mess, so it comes with great supplies that somebody allowed Namie to sing another stripped to fuck ballad in Engrish. I love that Namie feels confident about singing in a language which is not her first and is far from her second. But she needs to know where to draw that line. The Engrish on "Only you" was a mess, but the production around it was so rich and just about busy enough that it didn't hang all of the focus on her Engrish. But here the music is so stripped back that it places all of the focus on her Engrish and just how bad it is. Namie had NOTHING to fall back on for the sake of redemption. Somebody should have thrown some "Irreplaceable" style Stargate drums and acoustic guitars over this to help gloss it over.

Did anybody else get P!nk vibes from this song and video?

This song will get skipped without a second thought when I get a hold of Feel. I ain't got no time for this song. This is not the Namie I came here for.

Filipino kid scalps bitches with his acoustic cover of David Guetta and Sia's "Titanium"

Aldrich Lloyd Talonding is one in a long list of kids who sing on YouTube and end up on Ellen. But Aldrich stood out for me when he sang the shit out of David Guetta and Sia's "Titanium" - which is no easy song to sing. It's a song which tows the line between awesomeness and annoyance depending on what day you're listening to it and who is covering it, but this kid handles it masterfully. It's tragic to think that when his voice breaks he probably won't be able to sing this shit like this again.

Here's what Sia had to say about this.

Holy moly. BEST TITANIUM COVER YET “@KarenPorterPoet: @Sia You should see this!!! 2 little talented boys http://t.co/pbpfTxO6QX”
— sia furler (@Sia) June 30, 2013

Charice may want to pick herself a seat take to take, at least until Alrich's voice breaks. Justin Bieber can take his indefinitely.