VMA 2013: A shady run down of events, in tweets

I had no plans to stay up until the wee hours for the VMA's last night...and yet I did. Before I knew it I was streaming the event live and tweeting like a mo'fucka on everything I was seeing.

Rather than write a piece on how much of a mess I found the VMA's to be (yet again) I've chosen to summarize my thoughts with the tweets I'd posted on the night, as they were my most instinctive thoughts.

Danity Kane's reunion...

'Where is D. Woods?' Home girl is parking dem cars for the celebs tonight and then working the graveyard at Wendy's | #VMA
— Random J (@_RandomJ_) August 26, 2013

I'm happy for Danity Kane's reunion. But those girls will be fighting for a part time position at In-N-Out burger in a year's time | #VMA
— Random J (@_RandomJ_) August 26, 2013

TLC on the red carpet...

T-Boz looks like a Decepticon | #VMA
— Random J (@_RandomJ_) August 26, 2013

Lady Gaga's performance...

It would be amazing if during Lady Gaga's performance of "Applause" nobody actually bothered to clap | #VMA
— Random J (@_RandomJ_) August 26, 2013

Lady Gaga going backstage to console One direction after getting booed...

Lady Gaga will leave her hotel door unlocked and hit those One Direction boys up on Whatsapp with her room number. Her thirst is REAL | #VMA
— Random J (@_RandomJ_) August 26, 2013

Justin Timberlake's performance...

Justin Timberlake just sent every dude in Pop and R&B to IKEA with a $20 coupon to pick a seat to take | #VMA
— Random J (@_RandomJ_) August 26, 2013

On how Britney must feel watching Justin...

Britney is sat at home with a bubble tea and a king size Doritos packet as a blanket crying "I WISH HE WAS STILL MUH MAYAN!!" | #VMA
— Random J (@_RandomJ_) August 26, 2013

On the 'NSync reunion...

That struggle Chris and Joey are experiencing to keep up is REAL | #VMA
— Random J (@_RandomJ_) August 26, 2013

Lance Bass' new Grindr profile pic will be of him on stage tonight. He'll be milking that for cock for a good few months | #VMA
— Random J (@_RandomJ_) August 26, 2013

On where Usher stands following on from JT's performance...

Justin Timberlake is now the proud owner of a house n***a. His name is Usher Raymond | #VMA
— Random J (@_RandomJ_) August 26, 2013

Following JT's epic #VMA performance, this is the current situation of Justin and Usher » pic.twitter.com/CfhWVdOmqH
— Random J (@_RandomJ_) August 26, 2013

On Beyoncé...

Noreleasedateyoncé couldn't make the #VMA's this year because she is working on her new album. JUST KIDDING!!! She ain't working on shit.
— Random J (@_RandomJ_) August 26, 2013

Noalbumyoncé will keep making all you bitches wait and stay buying those Pepsi multipacks until the album drops | #VMA
— Random J (@_RandomJ_) August 26, 2013

Music video: Lady Gaga - Applause

It wouldn't quite be a Gaga video without at least 7 different looks and some excessive nudity. 

My general feeling with this video was that there were way too many looks. Each one looking messier than the last. Lady Gaga could have gotten away with just cutting this video down to the black and white scenes and had a really nice, simple video. But as per usual, the mantra of 'less is more' has evaded Gaga completely with this video.

Gaga might need to rush out a new single or a buzz single, because Katy Perry's "Roar" is shitting royally all over Gaga's "Applause". Downloads of Katy's flat, lazy, uninspired single are around the 450,000 downloads mark, whilst Gaga's clap anthem stands at aound 250,000. Gaga may need to ask her monsters to stop making their own hands touch and instead make their hands touch that download button on iTunes.

As much as I like "Applause", I can't imagine it having the same longevity as some of Gaga's past singles. I think the Monsters are feeling Gaga's grip slipping to Katy Perry, as they've taken to posting comments such as this on Katy Perry's lyric video for "Roar".

Dem Monsters are something else. Gaga probably sent out a newsletter to her fanclub asking them to do this shit.

Listen to... Lady Gaga - Applause

Lady Gaga's brand new lead single from her third studio album Artflop is out for the Monsters to get their paws on. And as much as many of you would probably love for me to cuss this song out, because hating on Gaga is the cool thing to do: I like this song.

I zone out whenever Lady Gaga tries to deliver a song with 'meaning' because it always feels contrived. I have no time for Madonna when she wants to try and get deep and political on a song, so Gaga needs to watch herself. Pop artists should just do Pop songs. Don't try to tell me how to live my life, unless your life advice is to get gang crunked in a club on a weekend and ball out on a budget.

Gaga tries her damnest to slip some message shit into "Applause", but the chorus pretty much overrides what she's saying on the verses to the point where you forget what she was even talking about.

♪ Applowse. Applowse. Applowse. I live for the applowse, 'plowse. Live for the applowse, 'plowse. Live fo' the ♪

The fact that this is the part of the song I can easily remember is fine with me. It's one of the best parts of the song. This and that bit when she starts screaming about making dem hands touch.

I don't think I've liked a Gaga song this much since "Paparazzi". Go Gaga!

Lady Gaga sits on a chair of motherboards...naked. All in the name of Artpop.

Lady Gaga looked a Photoshopped mess in that vile shoot she did for V magazine. And whilst Gaga still refuses to put on some clothes, she at least looks normal in the latest promo shot for her upcoming album Artflop. In fact, she looks pretty hot. This would have made a pretty fly album cover in place of that Paintball goggled, Shakira faced looking ass mess.

Entertainmentwise.com had posted an article on which Lady Gaga gets blasted by somebody who was close to her, but is clearly sick of the bitch now. Or was just spilling Gaga's tea to catch some money from a tabloid. Calling her out as being a man eater and an absolute freak in the bedroom. It's what everybody thought / knew / guessed from when she dropped that "LoveGame" video anyway. But let's mull over this shit regardless, because it paints some pretty funny pictures.

She takes what she wants - because she can. She is obsessed with men. She will do anything to get a guy. She is a complete exhibitionist and has had sex in places where she knows strangers can see her. Her love-making is a big performance. She loves doing weird stuff in the bedroom. She is as extravagant in bed as she is on stage.

This may turn some guys on, but watching Lady Gaga being carried to my beside in a giant egg would not do it for me.When I want sex, I want the sex. A little role playing here and there can be fun and good foreplay is everything! But by no means would I ever want a full blown VMA performance. Bitch, your pussy ain't THAT special. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to finish my outfit for my pre sex performance of The lion king. 

Lady Gaga derp faces with her pussy out for V magazine

To get people talking about her Artpop album, Lady Gaga has done what she does best. Skanked it up and opened her legs for a fashion magazine. I don't give a fuck about how much weight she's lost or how on point the monsters think her flat stomach is - this picture is vile. Not because Gaga is naked, but because there's nothing redeeming about it. Her hair looks a mess. The pose looks awkward. Her hand is semi cradling her pussy as though she's about to shove a finger in there. AND she's derp facing.