Crystal Kay drops a little MJ tribute acapella on the floor of a studio looking a hot mess and shits on your fave.

It's been 4 years since the undisputed King of pop passed. And thankfully for CK fans, Crystal marked the occasion by uploading a video of herself singing a medley of MJ songs.

If you remember how Crystal squatted over a n***a's fresh pressed weave with her cover of "Human nature" 4 years ago, then you know you need to be checking this. She runs through "P.Y.T", "Off the wall", "Black and white" and doesn't miss a fucking beat with dem vocals.

Crystal may not be able to sell a tenth of what your J-fave is selling, but she can sing them under a Suntory vending machine. It's why I stay loving this woman through thick, thin and all the flops.

Now if home girl could get up off the floor with her Galaxy S3 and finish up that album, I would be very grateful. Fuck a Beyoncé album. It's that CK album I need in my life for 2013.

Music video: BoA - Tail of hope

BoA's 34th Japanese single is an anthem for chasing dreams (♪ Catch di tail of hope ♪) or giving head (♪ Kiss di tail of hope ♪) depending on your preference.

"Tail of hope" is a nice song, but the childishly protective Crystal Kay lover in me couldn't help but roll its eyes and mutter 'Bitch copied Crystal Kay's Vivid swag'. Then my mind was consumed with thoughts of 'Crystal would have made me like this song', which is what I've begun to tell myself every time I hear a song from J-Pop / J-R&B chicks who sing badly over good beats. And now I'm mad that Universal didn't throw some dollar at Crystal to shoot a video for "My heart beat".

*sits in a moment of silence*

This video is your obligatory Summer J-Pop video; all of which seem to be shot with the same filters, alongside the same beach, with a drive along the same roads and a walk through the same parks. We've reached a point where we could play location SNAP! with these J-Pop videos. I think every location in Japan has been shot at some point, which is probably why hoes are flying out to Amelica to shoot videos now.

BoA's different approach to her singles in both Korea and Japan lately is refreshing to hear, even if I'm not in love with the songs. I will never put "Tail of hope" on my iPod or crank it up loud, because I value my ears and there's only so much of her paper shredding sounding ass vocals I can take. But I like that BoA seems to have found a sound and sweet spot for herself on her own terms since Identity. She's finally taking the reigns of her own career, which is what fans had been wanting her to do for years.

Album reviews: The face | BoA | Identity | Hurricane Venus

Beyoncé ain't pregnant. Wears cheap crop top to prove it.

Beyoncé stepped out and made an appearance to show up to her friend Kanye's birthday party wearing Topshop. Which means her outfit can't have cost no more than £50, yet she still looked more money than Kim. Ever since that heffa began carrying Yeezus Christ, she's been looking like Snorlax with a discount code for ASOS.

Beyoncé baring the midriff in this tight fitting crop top is also two fingers and a weave thrash to those pregnancy rumours. Although Beyoncé is more than the Empress of the Amazonian kingdom of lost wigs, she is the queen of hiding pregnancies. Remember that this was the woman who was thrashing her weave on top of a piano to "1 + 1", popping her pussy to "Bootylicious" and African 2 stepping in heels to "End of time" at Glastonbury when she was a couple of months gone. And had Beyoncé not popped open her jacket at the MTV awards and stayed breathing all the way out at the end of her performance of "Love on top", nobody would have known the woman was with child. The Knowles' know how to keep dem secrets and stay lying. Beyoncé ain't slippin' for nobody.

In other Pepsiyoncé news, there's still no word on whether she will bother to release a single or an album this year.

Music video: Beni - Our sky

In the past couple of weeks Namie has thrown down 2 gauntlets which were so fucking heavy that they caused a tremor which caused wigs to slip off many a head and leave bitches on unsteady footing. Namie gave the world colour, white people, black girls on roller skates, gave us disco balls, L.A pool parties, ponytail whipping, and somehow gave us TLC in just two music videos. So naturally every other Summer J-Pop video is going to pale in comparison, but we'll let these chicks try with their shit anyway. Starting with Beni, who looks like a hygienic version of Madonna in Desperately seeking Susan who paid for her Kenzo skirt, as opposed to sucking a dick just to get it put on layaway.

Beni's dancing just made my dead one legged cousin turn in his grave and I have zero facks to give the song. I never tend to like Beni's singles. It's always her album cuts which do it for me, with the singles growing on me long after. I'm not expecting much from Beni's upcoming album. I never expect much from her in general, which gives her a wide berth for which to win me over. She did so in a big way with Jewel and I've written off her ability to do so again

Album reviews: Bitter & sweet | Jewel | Fortune

Miming Mimi was set to release her 14th studio album The art of letting go on July 23rd. Then it got pushed back.

Miming Mimi's follow up to her 2011 flop Memoirs of an imperfect set of titties was official. It had a release date, which was followed by a title, which was then quickly followed by a push back. Mariah's 14th studio album The art of letting go was slated for a July 23rd release. Mariah hashtagged that shit in every Instagram photo, put it on her website and everything. And now it's been pushed back to not even God knows when.

But let's not focus on the push back. Let's focus on the album title.

I am thoroughly impressed. Mariah is fully out of that phase of naming her albums after Teletubbies. The slight irony that letting go is the one thing Mariah isn't really that good at and could not teach the art of if her mini skirt collection depended on it. Here are just a few of the things Mariah can't seem to let go of:

1. That she is no longer 29 and ain't got that figure how she did in that "Honey" video, yet continually puts on dresses which are 4 sizes too small and then blames the designer when the zip breaks. Darling, please. 
2. She refuses to come to the realization that Jermaine Dupri is never going to give her another "Always be my baby" or "We belong together", no matter how hard he tries.
3. That same tired font that Mariah has been trolling out for every album since she was kicking her ass back and forth on a swing screaming about how she had a vision of love and that it was all a n***a gave to her.

Miming Mimi has been working on her album ever since giving birth to her children Malificent and Malaysia - regularly tweeting pictures of her singing at her home studio. Contributors to Mariah's album include the usual suspects Jermaine Dupri and Bryan Michael-Cox, alongside The-Dream, Rodney 'Darkchild' Jerkins, Mike WiLL Made it, Miguel and Young Jeezy.

Ever since Memoirs of an imperfect angel Mariah has released songs exhibiting a slightly different sound from what we'd expect from her. From the Motown stank of "Oh Santa!", to the heavy beat laden power ballad "Already home" and the Miguel-centric "Hashtag Beautiful". I wouldn't go as far as to say I'm excited for this new album, but I will definitely check it out. I buy all Mariah's shit. I even bought Glitter and was as in-denial as Mariah was about that whole mess.

Album reviews: E=MC² | Memoirs of an imperfect angel

Music video: Namie Amuro - Heaven

Namie went from the rooftops of L.A to the glitter basement of her home in Tokyo and slapped your fave in the face on the way down.

Namie brought dem boots back, but we knew she would. Namie can't function without those boots. Every other pair of shoes may as well be made from kryptonite and have their inner-soles lined with broken glass.

I wasn't overly keen on "Hepurn" when I first heard it. But it grew on me the more I listened it. Then I saw Namie give me Ga-In eyes and ponytail whipping and now I'm all about it. The version of the song in the video also differs slightly over the one which leaked a couple of weeks ago. The differences aren't enough to make you like the song if you hated it before. But certainly help refine it. Namie's Engrish also seems easier to understand here. Either that or my Namiengrish is getting better.

♪ HEPURN. Iz where we arrrrr! Where we arrrr! With you is never par, never par
HEP-NGGGG! Iz like star! Like star! Sky high but, no too par, not too par ♪

Every video Namie has dropped post Uncontrolled thus far has looked decent. She cannot fall off with "Alive" and "Let me let you go", it would be such a fucking shame if she did.

Single art: Justin Timberlake - Tunnel vision

Justin Timberlake's 3rd single from his record breaking 3rd studio album will be *cue Timbaland drum roll with a beat so thick it'll make bitches twerk their weave out* "Tunnel vision". 

I love "Tunnel vision". It is an album highlight from The 20/20 experience. But "Don't hold the wall" or "Let the groove get in" would have made much better single choices, especially for the Summer. "Tunnel vision" is the type of song you release as a single when you've already had a 4 to 5 single run and you're just putting out another song because well...you might as well. It's not what you roll out when your album is still somewhat fresh and you want a hit. Then again you could argue JT was never after hits with the release of "Suit and tie" and I certainly never thought "Mirrors" would go on to be the mammoth hit it was. Justin just needs to make sure he dances his arse off in that music video. 

If you've not yet heard "Tunnel vision", be sure to check it out. It doesn't scream 'release me as a single' as the aforementioned "Don't hold the wall" and "Let the groove get in" do, but it is a great song. A welcomed return of classic Timbo, hearkening back to his Missy, Aaliyah and Ginuwine days. Dem drums are the truth.

 Album review: The 20/20 experience

Namie busts out the 'Namiehameha' on the set of her new video

Namie has been showing a whole new side of herself with Feel thus far. She's smiling on one of the album covers (the first of her albums covers she's ever sported a smile on), has been smiling in every music video from this era and has been looking though she's been having fun despite often looking as though her life is all but a black hole of misery. She even took the time in the middle of one of her video shoots to partake in the 'Kamehameha craze' with her dancers.

For those who rejoiced at Namie ditching the over-the-knee boots for her "Hands on me" video may have just died at the sight of Namie's outfit above. She took those fuckers off for a hot minute, but they will be back with a vengeance for one of her next music videos. Give up hoping Namie will lose the boots for good. It's as much of a lost cause as Crystal's shot at going platinum in Japan.

Nobody knows for sure which song the video above is for. But we have videos for "Heaven", "Alive" and "Let me let you go" to look forward to.

Joyful Noise Free Download

Cast: Queen Latifah, Dolly Parton, Keke Palmer, Jeremy Jordan, Courtney B. Vance, Dexter Darden, Kris Kristofferson
Director: Todd Graff
Movie Studio: Warner Bros.
Rating: PG-13 (For language, adult themes)

The About face: Two choir members - a youngish black one and an old white one - have differing opinions on how to win the national choir competition.

The Wild side: The small town of Pacashau, Georgia, has fallen on hard times, but the people are counting on the Divinity Church Choir to lift their spirits by winning the National Joyful Noise Competition. The choir has always known how to sing in harmony, but the discord between its two leading ladies now threatens to tear them apart. Their newly appointed director, Vi Rose Hill (Queen Latifah), stubbornly wants to stick with their tried-and-true traditional style, while the fiery G.G. Sparrow (Dolly Parton) thinks tried-and-true translates to tired-and-old. Shaking things up even more is the arrival of G.G.'s rebellious grandson, Randy (Jeremy Jordan). Randy has an ear for music, but he also has an eye for Vi Rose's beautiful and talented daughter, Olivia (Keke Palmer), and the sparks between the two teenagers are causing even more heat between G.G. and Vi Rose. If these two strong-willed women can overcome their differences and find a common voice, they--and their choir--may make the most joyful noise of all. 

The Movie facts: Dolly Parton's return to the big screen... her first major role since 1989's Steel Magnolias. 

Toy Story 3 Free Download

Initial release: June 12, 2010 (Italy) Director: Lee Unkrich Featured song: We Belong Together Screenplay: Michael Arndt Awards: Academy Award for Animated Feature Film,

The toys are mistakenly delivered to a day-care center instead of the attic right before Andy leaves for college, and it's up to Woody to convince the other toys that they weren't abandoned and to return home.

WALL·E (2008) Free Download

Initial release: June 27, 2008 (USA) Director: Andrew Stanton Running time: 98 minutes Featured song: Down To Earth Screenplay: Andrew Stanton, Jim Reardon

In the distant future, a small waste collecting robot inadvertently embarks on a space journey that will ultimately decide the fate of mankind.

the secret world of arrietty Free Download

Initial release: February 17, 2012 (USA)

Director: Hiromasa Yonebayashi

Running time: 95 minutes

Initial DVD release: May 22, 2012 (USA)

Budget: 23 million USD

Arrietty, classified under the titles The Borrower Arrietty in Japan and The Secret World of Arrietty in North America, is a 2010 Japanese animated fantasy film directed by Hiromasa Yonebayashi and scripted by Hayao Miyazaki and Keiko Niwa.

Rise of the Guardians Movie Free Download

Initial release: November 21, 2012 (Sri Lanka, Canada, USA) Director: Peter Ramsey Running time: 97 minutes Initial DVD release: March 12, 2013 (USA) Screenplay: David Lindsay-Abaire

Rise of the Guardians is a 2012 American 3D computer-animated fantasy-adventure film based on William Joyce's The Guardians of Childhood book series and The Man in the Moon short film by Joyce and Reel FX.

Music video: Namie Amuro - Hands on me

Namie heard our prayers and read our shady ass blog posts and forum comments. Because she gave us everything we had wanted from this woman since "Yeah-oh". The preview of this video showed off the best parts. But all in all this was a really cool video and Namie left me feeling satisfied. She broke me off with this video. She broke me off right. She gave me that dead lifeless face which gives life in one shot and then new lease on life freshness and smiles in another. And amongst all of that she was dancing a routine which had her working neck, back, waist and even some funky-leg-chicken-hokey-cokey looking ass shit in heels. Namie knew to keep the Amura boots at home, because if she stepped out in L.A and shot a video all day in those, her leg would sweat up like a pig in the back of a truck on its way to Bodeans and her leg would have to be amputated before JAL can check a ho in at the desk.

In the past 24 hours Namie has pretty much shown everybody why Ayu and Kumi are not relevant this year. The last time Avex flew Ayu abroad to shoot a video, they sent her to a ghetto in East London and shot a video in somebodies council flat. Avex throw a special effect budget at Kumi to put American skylines on her green screen videos, because Kumi can't read to fill in a form to apply for a passport. Meanwhile, Namie gets flown to L.A where they shut down an entire road for her to walk down in one music video. And then shut down an entire building, rent out the helipad throw a party on every floor in her honour and invite TLC, who actually turn up because they know who Namie be and because they ain't got fuck all else to do and networks cancelled both of their reality shows.

Where is your faves US shot video featuring TLC and a Summer crub banger though?

Listen to... Namie Amuro - Hands on me

Hello there readers. I have a giant Tupperware bowl here full of all the negative things we ALL said about Namie's new album. Things like "I don't care about this shit", "I won't buy it", "This bitch don't know what she's doing" and "This album ain't gonna feature anything good on it". Now...I'm going to need everybody to reach into this Tupperware right here and take back what they said. Because a new song of Namie's has surfaced and it's hot. I know it's hot. You know it's hot. So just take back what the fuck you said and throw that shit in the bin, eat it. Do what you like with it. Just make sure you get rid of it, because Namie is too busy not fucking around to have time fo' dat.

"Hands on me" is payback. It's insurance. It's everything you you thought Namie was not going to give. It's a Summer banger which makes other bitches Summer bangers sound like Nokia 3210 polyphonic ringtones. I can't understand a word she's saying, but I know she's singing about being a fleak in the club. This woman went from singing about love in an anthem for world peace, to a jam about wanting a man to put his hands on her titties and show her what he can do with his good hand and his best finger. NamILF is in the building. Your fave is in Mister Donut on the other side of the road wondering what the hell they are going to do now.

♪ Don't bark. A sock attack. Go heart. Yeah I rike it like dat! ♪

Setting the record straight. Miley Cyrus can NOT twerk.

Dear Internet. This slap dash squat and drop Miley Cyrus did on stage...

...is not twerking. This is.

Twerking is not just squating giving 2 booty pops. The Wikipedia definition of wwerking is...

verb. A dance move that involves a person shaking their hips and bottom in a bouncy up and down motion, causing it to shake, 'wobble' and 'jiggle.'

The only thing of Miley's which shook, wobbled and jiggled were her earrings. Miley Cyrus can not twerk any more than Stephen Hawkins can.

Full liner notes / credits for Beyoncé's "Grown woman"

Non studio contributing yet claiming credit for it ass bitch.

Music video (the stupid ass short version): Namie Amuro - Contrail

Not only is Namie the manager of her own record label, but it seems she can get entire section of America shut down JUST so she can walk down the street with a bunch of coloured kids who look like they came straight off of a Sesame street stoop and sing about planes. Check it!

It's easy to forget that Namie can smile and how nice she looks when she does. Although I would sooner have Namie lay me dead on the floor with a fly dance routine and stay miserable for 3 minutes and 37 seconds, than watch her smile whilst some nappy headed child hits a drum behind her for 4 minutes.

Namie is coming for those international wigs on the down low.

Album review: Bright - Bright

Bright's second album Real was the obligatory follow up album. Far from perfect, but good enough that you could hear the potential in these girls to deliver something great in the future. But their third offering falls short on this completely. It features a couple of good songs, but there is nothing here to lead you to believe that these girls are capable of anything more. All this album does is make these girls come off as 'just another girl group'. When in fact they are able to do what many of today's group in J-Pop are able to. Sing and harmonize.

J-R&B is permeated throughout all of Bright's releases, but this splinters off into different sounds. On Real this was done is a masterful way. Each song had its own vibe, but collectively formed a cohesive album. Bright on the other hand is a raggedly put together selection of songs, with no sense of flow. Whoever put this track list together gave zero fucks about the listening experience of this album or whether these girls would be able to maintain a record deal following its release. Couple this with songs which aren't that good to begin with and you have a recipe for an album which was always going to lead to the group splitting up and getting dropped.

A third of the songs on this album are really nice songs. "Eternity" is the albums' sweet spot. A 5 minute summation of Bright at their finest, delivering smooth vocals over a hard hitting piano laden slow jam. "Ichinen nikagatsu nijiinichi", "Lonely tears" and"Autabi ni suki ni natte" all showcase Bright's knack for slick harmonies, sweet delivery and a comfort for mid-tempo J-R&B lite jams. But the remainder of the songs are just sub-standard filler which you wouldn't think twice about Shazaming if you heard them playing at your local McDonalds. Bright touch on EDM with album opener "Bad girl!", which sounds like a leftover from BoA's Outgrow. Album closer "Girls be ambitious" is a few BPM's short of sounding like a theme from Sonic R in the worst possible way (Sonic R's soundtrack is in fact, amazing). "Koigokoro " starts off really nice, but quickly turns into a thrashy mess which sounds primed for acting at a theme song to some high school J-drama.

The album as a while is generally mid tempo, with occasional uptempo songs, all of which sound awful. It's a terrible representation of Bright, because contrary to this album the girls can do uptempo and do it well - as proven on Real's J-banger "Shining butterfly". And THIS is an overarching theme with this album. Poor representation. There is nothing about this album which would entice anybody to entertain looking into these girls and becoming fans. No matter how good a song "Eternity" is or the amount of flesh being flashed on the album cover.

These girls have nice voices, but what they lack is a particular style or that special factor which is unique theirs - both visually and musically. And if it can't be pinned down at this stage in their careers after 6 years, then it's probably for the best that they split up / got dropped / stop caring. Real wasn't an amazing album, but it was a damn good one which showed that somebody within the team responsible for pulling that album together had an idea of what Bright's sound should probably be. Bright on the other hand shows a lack of direction, focus and an utter lack of care. The whole thing is grossly mediocre.

To think that Girls' generation's I got a boy and Girls & Peace are better than this makes me feel a little sick, but it's true. Nagi's Xbox jawline couldn't cover how much of a mess this album truly is. Bye girls.



Album highlights:
■ Theme of Bright
■ Eternity ★ J's fave
■ Ichinen nikagatsu nijiinichi
■ Autabi ni suki ni natte

Music video: CL - The baddest female

When news broke that CL was planning to drop the inevitable solo album, I for one was hardly excited. We all knew what CL's album was going to sound like before she did; which is essentially a bunch of 2NE1 songs without Bom trying to sell her 2 lines worth of vocals, Dara delivering a verse that nobody cares about and CL filling in the swag crater left by Minzy.

"The baddest female" is exactly what we all expected from CL. This isn't what is disappointing about the song. What's disappointing about the song is that it's utter shit. The only thing which saves this whole mess is CL's swag in the music video, which is just plain stupid now. The girl sells every single ridiculous look in this video and makes each of them work in a way few bitches could and your fave wishes. 

O hai Mademoiselle Yulia! It was nice of you to make a cameo in this music video, even though hardly anybody will know who the hell you is. Now, if you could high-tail your green and black dip dyed wig into the studio and give me another album, that'd be super! My body is ready for a follow up to Mademoworld.

Listen to... Kylie Minogue - Skirt

Kylie's birthday present to her fans this year was her dropping her skirt. Not literally. Well, kinda. Kylie posted the a new song of her online, giving fans a taste of the new material she's been working on since signing to Roc nation.

"Skirt" is produced by US DJ / producer Nom De Strip and co-written by The Dream, who needs no introduction at this point; but I shall name drop some of his biggest hits - just for clarification. Rihanna's "Umbrella", Beyoncé's "Single ladies (Put a ring on it)" and Justin Bieber's "Baby" - all written by The-Dream.

"Skirt" is a plunge in a pool that everybody has been chillin' in and pissing in for the past 4 years. And whilst many are claiming it's unlike anything Kylie has done before, it really isn't. Kylie went the EDM and wub-wubble route on her flop 2010 release X with the Bloodshy & Avant helmed "Nu-di-ty" (one of my fave tracks from that album) and lyrically she is singing about the exact same thing. The refrains are a little too ravey and skirt on the side of Euphoric dance which I really can not stand. But I love the filthiness of the hook. There's no word as to whether "Skirt" will become a single or if it will feature on her upcoming album at all, but it's something to whet appetites until Kylie's new album drops.

As a result of signing to Roc nation, Kylie has hit the studio with a roster of US-centric producers which includes Pharrell Williams, Rodney 'Darkchild' Jerkins, Tricky Stewart and Stargate. Fans had best hope this new album of Kylie's doesn't end up going the route of Madgina's Hard candy, which it very well could. Although in Pharrell's defence, his contributions to that album were pretty decent.