Music video: Robin Thicke featuring 2 Chainz & Kendrick Lamar - Give it 2 U

Robin Thicke may have another hit on his hands here. "Blurred lines" provided him with the template for a hit, so he's back on it again here with a sing-a-long track about how much dick he can give a girl, along with a video featuring him surrounded by girls showing arms, legs, booty, a Beats Pill and also that lovely red font flashing up on the screen every 8 seconds.

I like the filthy electro bounce on the verses of this song, but that the switch on the chorus throws the song too far off for me. Trust Dr. Luke to create a good groove and then fuck it up. 2 Chainz can't rap and Kendrick Lamar (bless his soul) couldn't even salvage this song, delivering a verse which is not of a level we're used to hearing from him. But I'll throw the guy a lifeline in saying that he didn't have much to work with here. You and I know that ain't no excuse. But we like Kendrick, so we'll let him off.

Robin Thicke's vocal swag tho'. It makes me want to grab a glass of cold water.

Music video: Annie - Back together

A piss take of 90's UK Saturday morning chart programs, followed by a 90's music video piss take to a killer 90's pop jam recorded in 2013. YES ANNIE!

Annie has been crafting pop gems with pop connoisseurs Xenomania and Richard X for years, with the later producing "Back together" and the entirety of her latest EP The A&R EP. Whenever I listen to Xenomania's stuff now, I just hear lazy recycles of Girls aloud songs, so I'm glad that she decided to just work with Richard X. Ever since his epic mash-up of Adina Howard's "Freak like me" and Tubeway army's "Are friends' electric?" for the Sugababes, I've dug everything he's been involved with. But his stuff is always so under ground because he is so notoriously selective with who he works with and what he puts out. It also doesn't help that he seems to often work with underselling flops.

As is the life story of many of Sweden and Norway's most promising acts, Annie has been grafting and putting out Pop gems for quite some time but is yet to have that big commercial hit. "Back together" has had zero impact on any chart anywhere, but I won't hold that against her when the song is so good and the video is such an endearing cheap mess.

Music video: Lady Gaga - Applause

It wouldn't quite be a Gaga video without at least 7 different looks and some excessive nudity. 

My general feeling with this video was that there were way too many looks. Each one looking messier than the last. Lady Gaga could have gotten away with just cutting this video down to the black and white scenes and had a really nice, simple video. But as per usual, the mantra of 'less is more' has evaded Gaga completely with this video.

Gaga might need to rush out a new single or a buzz single, because Katy Perry's "Roar" is shitting royally all over Gaga's "Applause". Downloads of Katy's flat, lazy, uninspired single are around the 450,000 downloads mark, whilst Gaga's clap anthem stands at aound 250,000. Gaga may need to ask her monsters to stop making their own hands touch and instead make their hands touch that download button on iTunes.

As much as I like "Applause", I can't imagine it having the same longevity as some of Gaga's past singles. I think the Monsters are feeling Gaga's grip slipping to Katy Perry, as they've taken to posting comments such as this on Katy Perry's lyric video for "Roar".

Dem Monsters are something else. Gaga probably sent out a newsletter to her fanclub asking them to do this shit.

Music video: Mutya Keisha Siobhan - Flatline

When I first watched this video I didn't really have much of an opinion on the Instagram looking ass cinematography. The only thought in my mind was "It's so fucking good seeing these girls together again".

We have had group formations and reunions in the past, but I've never cared as much about any of them in the way I have for the reformation of the original Sugababes. When was the last time a group lost its original members over the course of 10 years winding up with a group void of the original members, just for the original members to get back together and form a new group!? This shit generally does not happen, which is why I am so glad that it did, because I LOVED the Sugababes up until Mutya left.

I loved Heidi. Despite the hate for her now, she was as much of a Sugababes as Siobhan. Some would argue even more so. But even after 6 albums that girl was always the side chick of the group. On the Sugababes debut One touch there was no one member of the group who felt more prominent than the other. Siobhan was all over the songs just as much as Keisha and Mutya were. But with Angels with dirty faces, Three and Taller in more ways, each album felt very much like Mutya and Keisha were carrying the songs with Heidi just featuring and being relegated to the bridge section. She continually felt like 'the new girl'. When Mutya left and Amelle came in, Amelle was all over the songs. When Keisha got kicked out and Jade came in, Jade was all over the songs. Heidi never once bothered to step up to the plate. I'm hard pressed to recall a song where Heidi even bothered to ad-lib. By the time Change came around, Heidi was certified irrelevant and I don't know why she even bothered turning up to the studio on Catfights & spotlights. Siobhan gets the opening verse and the bridge on "Flatline". When has Heidi ever!?

Amelle, Heidi and Jade may want to grab a pillow for their seats, because they are gonna be sat down in them for the longest. Sugababes' 4.0? Ain't nobody got time fo' dat.

Music video: Shishido Kavka - Love corrida

Praise be to Shishido Kavka for giving me a tight as hell J-Pop / J-Rock jam. This is the type of crack I've been wanting from MiChi for the past year, but she's too comfortable hosting her radio show and posting pictures of flowers on Instagram to be caring about putting out new music at the rate I want / need her to. In all honesty, our relationship had hit the rocks the second I saw the track list for Therapy and saw the omission of "All about the girls ~Iijyanka party people~". But enough about MiChi. Let's talk about this fly ho right here. Working wigs, Kashiyuka hair, Chiaki Kuriyama bitch face and giving us Run DMC "Walk this way" done glossy and J-stylee.

"Love corrida" is Shishido's second digital single and official lead single from her upcoming album Kavkanize which will be released on September 4th. The limited edition cover of her album features a crow in a wig. I'm sold. *throws money at CD Japan*

Music video: 2NE1 shoot a video on an iPhone and act ratchet at home in "Do you love me"

Dara should be grateful to Yang Hyun-suk and she owes some bigs wigs on the 23rd floor of YG entertainment headquarters some serious head. That bomb 'Oh shit, I just witnessed the creation of the solar system in flashback' head. Because this video is the best thing to happen to her since Cass beer cut her a cheque and set her loose solo with "Kiss". This video made her look really relevant in ways very few none of 2NE1's other videos have. It's just as well in this case, because she has NO presence on this song.

Dara has always been the most photogenic out of the group (ya'll know she's the prettiest member) and the one with the most likeable personality (Sandara keep the party poppin' on me2day). She stole the show in this video, despite CL's constant attempts to get all up in her shots, splash water in her face and tell a bitch to stop her Liu Kang bicycle kick impression on the bathroom window sill.

I have nothing to say about this song other than it's rubbish. If FAKY would like to step in and deliver me what these girls are failing to, then I won't be mad at that. And in answer to 2NE1's question: No. I don't love you. Not any more.

Music video: Jasmine snatches a suicidal high school wig with "Hero"

Jasmine's music video budget has been slashed like April O'Neil's jumpsuit in Leonardo's ninja turtle lair. But she is still managing to rock new wigs in her music videos. Although the sight of a safety clip keeping Jasmine's wig in place in this video made me say a little prayer for the chick.

"Hero" is a better song than "Flying high", but only barely. It suffers from the same shortcomings: a well produced song, with a buggered song structure and a severe lack of vocal production. Jasmine's vocals on this song sound inconsistent as fuck. Sometimes she sounds really good, but most of the time she sounds really bad - reaching for notes she can't hit and going for a level of power she doesn't have. Jasmine has a good voice in her somewhere, but she shows a complete lack of mastery and control of it here.

The video was great though. This shit was like Battle royale meets Nobuta wo produce. If you've not seen Battle royale, then don't talk to me until you've seen it. WORLD CINEMA CRASSIC! And if you're up for some high school hijinks with a meaningful subtext, then be sure to check out Nobuta wo produce. It's the drama that kick started Horikita Maki's entire career and features Yamapi in one of his most playful, less depressing roles.

Music video: J-Pop's latest girl group FAKY debut with "Better without you"

With Namie officially now sat on her own Avex sub label Dimension point, Ayu flopping like fuck and nobody at Rhythm zone caring enough about Kumi's music to stop it from leaking a month before its release - Avex have decided to crack a whip on some young impressionable bitches who will be begging for their life back if Avex work them how they used to work their roster circa 2001. You'd be hard pressed to tell this song is J-Pop though. Given that it sounds like K-Pop and looks a heck of a lot like it too.

"Better without you" is a crime against a really good chorus. Ruined by verses which sound like your atypical K-Pop mess. No melody, no rhythmic pattern. Just warbles and stuttering vocals over a musical backdrop which sounds like an electric toothbrush with a dying battery and a paper shredder trying to chew a credit card.

I'm beginning to wonder why Avex even bothered to have the girls shoot a music video. They may as well have saved themselves the clothing budget and pay out for the extra's in the club scenes and just had FAKY flash on the screen in every hexadecimal colour for 4 minutes and 49 seconds. And yet again we get girls styled from the Jeremy Scott school of hard cocks. Sports jackets, baseball caps, hi-top trainers, bold printed leggings - all of which we have witnessed South Korea run so far into the grave that Korean entertainment firms could qualify for archaeology. For Avex to have felt that this was the way to go for their new group is sad. Japan has enough K-Pop exports. The last thing it needs is a home grown group performing K-Pop knock offs, regardless of how much better FAKY can sing than Girl's generation.

I will be keeping my eye on these girls in the vein hope that this was just Avex punk'ing everybody for some attention and that FAKY's follow up singles will be a bit less reductive and bastardized. Then again, this is Avex. So that probably won't be the case.

Ayu may want to get on those knees. FAKY on the payroll now means less budget for her.

Music video: Janelle Monáe - Dance apocalyptic

Did hell just freeze over? Because Janelle Monae is rocking a crimped weave down past her shoulders and chest popping her titties on a stage not wearing a tuxedo!

It took a while for me to warm to "Q.U.E.E.N", but "Dance apocalyptic" is love on a first listen. If Janelle were to gig with this at UK Summer festivals, she could have a hit with this over here. Let's not forget her gig at Glastonbury which saw The ArchAndroid's "Faster" soar to the top of iTunes charts before her Glasto 2011 performance of the song had even finished.

As hot as Janelle looks in this video, it is sub par by her standards. We've seen this type of video done a million times before. So it would have been nice for her to have given us something a bit more unique and original. If this were your first introduction to Janelle Monáe you wouldn't get any sense of how unique she is parading around in this anybody video.

Album reviews: Metropolis suite: The chase | The Archandroid

Music video: Fantasia featuring Kelly Rowland & Missy Elliott - Without me

Don't nobody wanna see Fantasia cocking her legs open in an alleyway wearing Britney's entire get up from the "Scream and shout" remix video. But we shall stay for Kelly Rowland looking on point in that body suit and thuggin' it out in the combats and the beanie. Kelly has been shitting all over Beyoncé's sexy like a 3 month old Blue Ivy with an upset stomach. That long wig with the bangs is doing it for me. And it's nice to hear Kelly sing about something more substantial than her pussy, but less heavy than a tale about domestic violence and being jelly of the 'Amazon empress from the kingdom of lost wigs' better known to us as Beyoncé.

It's nice to hear a straight R&B collabo with 3 females. This shit makes me feel like I'm in the late 90's when black women were able to get paid on R&B. Not like now.

Missy must feel like absolute shit. A dyslexic woman who can't tell the difference between a real Louboutin and a thrift store knock-off and Beyoncé's ex back-up singer have both managed to release 2 albums in the 8 year gap in which Missy was supposed to drop hers.

Music video: Tommy february6 - Runaway

Tommy february6 s the only woman in J-Pop whose bitch face could do battle with Namiserable Amuro's. She would of course lose. But those dead eyes would make Namie ask herself 'Who dis bitch think she is!?' and take her seriously for a hot minute.

"Runaway" looks like your regular Tommy february6 fare, but sounds completely different from anything she's done before. The song is sung entirely in Engrish for a start, and second of all this shit sounds contemporary. I didn't think Tomoko acknowledged any type of music which was released outside of the 80's.

I'm not entirely loving Japan's current craze with these Dr. Luke sounding songs. We've got Kumi on it for "Is this trap" from her EP Summer trip and Namie dead surfing the shit with "Rainbow" from her 11th studio album Feel. But I do like this song. I'm all about those burping noises on the verses and Tomoko playing those white men like her hoes.

Music video: 2NE1 - Falling in love

The bitches that everybody once loved and is now sick to the back teeth of are back with their long awaited comeback "Falling in love". All this song does is cement for me is that 2NE1 as a group are not relevant. YG needs to cut Bom and Dara's cheques and just focus on CL and Minzy, because they are the only 2 members of the group worth a won. What exactly did Dara's Gwen Stefani, Tragic Kingdom looking ass self contribute to this song or video? And why does Bom looks like a female CG render from the Tekken 2 character select screen?

"Falling in love" is a nice song. I like that Teddy Park avoided drowning these girls in EDM or running them over with a Hummer truck with some faux hood nonsense. But let's all be real. Nobody is going to remember this song in a week. 2NE1 can perform this shit day and night on Inkigayo and have Yang Hyun-suk project the video 24 hours a day on the side of the YG HQ building and still, nobody will remember a thing about this song.

Namie plays the piano in her music video for her Engrish ballad "Let me let you go". Alicia Keys' wig is not safe.

That awkward moment when you didn't realize that Namie could pray the piano and wonder if she in fact, can. I'm just going to be a gullible fuck and say that Namie can play the piano, because shit is more fun that way. And it just adds to her skill set of effortlessly making other females in J-Pop look rubbish.

"Beautiful" was a a mess, so it comes with great supplies that somebody allowed Namie to sing another stripped to fuck ballad in Engrish. I love that Namie feels confident about singing in a language which is not her first and is far from her second. But she needs to know where to draw that line. The Engrish on "Only you" was a mess, but the production around it was so rich and just about busy enough that it didn't hang all of the focus on her Engrish. But here the music is so stripped back that it places all of the focus on her Engrish and just how bad it is. Namie had NOTHING to fall back on for the sake of redemption. Somebody should have thrown some "Irreplaceable" style Stargate drums and acoustic guitars over this to help gloss it over.

Did anybody else get P!nk vibes from this song and video?

This song will get skipped without a second thought when I get a hold of Feel. I ain't got no time for this song. This is not the Namie I came here for.

Music video: BoA - Tail of hope

BoA's 34th Japanese single is an anthem for chasing dreams (♪ Catch di tail of hope ♪) or giving head (♪ Kiss di tail of hope ♪) depending on your preference.

"Tail of hope" is a nice song, but the childishly protective Crystal Kay lover in me couldn't help but roll its eyes and mutter 'Bitch copied Crystal Kay's Vivid swag'. Then my mind was consumed with thoughts of 'Crystal would have made me like this song', which is what I've begun to tell myself every time I hear a song from J-Pop / J-R&B chicks who sing badly over good beats. And now I'm mad that Universal didn't throw some dollar at Crystal to shoot a video for "My heart beat".

*sits in a moment of silence*

This video is your obligatory Summer J-Pop video; all of which seem to be shot with the same filters, alongside the same beach, with a drive along the same roads and a walk through the same parks. We've reached a point where we could play location SNAP! with these J-Pop videos. I think every location in Japan has been shot at some point, which is probably why hoes are flying out to Amelica to shoot videos now.

BoA's different approach to her singles in both Korea and Japan lately is refreshing to hear, even if I'm not in love with the songs. I will never put "Tail of hope" on my iPod or crank it up loud, because I value my ears and there's only so much of her paper shredding sounding ass vocals I can take. But I like that BoA seems to have found a sound and sweet spot for herself on her own terms since Identity. She's finally taking the reigns of her own career, which is what fans had been wanting her to do for years.

Album reviews: The face | BoA | Identity | Hurricane Venus

Music video: Beni - Our sky

In the past couple of weeks Namie has thrown down 2 gauntlets which were so fucking heavy that they caused a tremor which caused wigs to slip off many a head and leave bitches on unsteady footing. Namie gave the world colour, white people, black girls on roller skates, gave us disco balls, L.A pool parties, ponytail whipping, and somehow gave us TLC in just two music videos. So naturally every other Summer J-Pop video is going to pale in comparison, but we'll let these chicks try with their shit anyway. Starting with Beni, who looks like a hygienic version of Madonna in Desperately seeking Susan who paid for her Kenzo skirt, as opposed to sucking a dick just to get it put on layaway.

Beni's dancing just made my dead one legged cousin turn in his grave and I have zero facks to give the song. I never tend to like Beni's singles. It's always her album cuts which do it for me, with the singles growing on me long after. I'm not expecting much from Beni's upcoming album. I never expect much from her in general, which gives her a wide berth for which to win me over. She did so in a big way with Jewel and I've written off her ability to do so again

Album reviews: Bitter & sweet | Jewel | Fortune

Music video: Namie Amuro - Heaven

Namie went from the rooftops of L.A to the glitter basement of her home in Tokyo and slapped your fave in the face on the way down.

Namie brought dem boots back, but we knew she would. Namie can't function without those boots. Every other pair of shoes may as well be made from kryptonite and have their inner-soles lined with broken glass.

I wasn't overly keen on "Hepurn" when I first heard it. But it grew on me the more I listened it. Then I saw Namie give me Ga-In eyes and ponytail whipping and now I'm all about it. The version of the song in the video also differs slightly over the one which leaked a couple of weeks ago. The differences aren't enough to make you like the song if you hated it before. But certainly help refine it. Namie's Engrish also seems easier to understand here. Either that or my Namiengrish is getting better.

♪ HEPURN. Iz where we arrrrr! Where we arrrr! With you is never par, never par
HEP-NGGGG! Iz like star! Like star! Sky high but, no too par, not too par ♪

Every video Namie has dropped post Uncontrolled thus far has looked decent. She cannot fall off with "Alive" and "Let me let you go", it would be such a fucking shame if she did.

Music video: Namie Amuro - Hands on me

Namie heard our prayers and read our shady ass blog posts and forum comments. Because she gave us everything we had wanted from this woman since "Yeah-oh". The preview of this video showed off the best parts. But all in all this was a really cool video and Namie left me feeling satisfied. She broke me off with this video. She broke me off right. She gave me that dead lifeless face which gives life in one shot and then new lease on life freshness and smiles in another. And amongst all of that she was dancing a routine which had her working neck, back, waist and even some funky-leg-chicken-hokey-cokey looking ass shit in heels. Namie knew to keep the Amura boots at home, because if she stepped out in L.A and shot a video all day in those, her leg would sweat up like a pig in the back of a truck on its way to Bodeans and her leg would have to be amputated before JAL can check a ho in at the desk.

In the past 24 hours Namie has pretty much shown everybody why Ayu and Kumi are not relevant this year. The last time Avex flew Ayu abroad to shoot a video, they sent her to a ghetto in East London and shot a video in somebodies council flat. Avex throw a special effect budget at Kumi to put American skylines on her green screen videos, because Kumi can't read to fill in a form to apply for a passport. Meanwhile, Namie gets flown to L.A where they shut down an entire road for her to walk down in one music video. And then shut down an entire building, rent out the helipad throw a party on every floor in her honour and invite TLC, who actually turn up because they know who Namie be and because they ain't got fuck all else to do and networks cancelled both of their reality shows.

Where is your faves US shot video featuring TLC and a Summer crub banger though?

Music video (the stupid ass short version): Namie Amuro - Contrail

Not only is Namie the manager of her own record label, but it seems she can get entire section of America shut down JUST so she can walk down the street with a bunch of coloured kids who look like they came straight off of a Sesame street stoop and sing about planes. Check it!

It's easy to forget that Namie can smile and how nice she looks when she does. Although I would sooner have Namie lay me dead on the floor with a fly dance routine and stay miserable for 3 minutes and 37 seconds, than watch her smile whilst some nappy headed child hits a drum behind her for 4 minutes.

Namie is coming for those international wigs on the down low.

Music video: CL - The baddest female

When news broke that CL was planning to drop the inevitable solo album, I for one was hardly excited. We all knew what CL's album was going to sound like before she did; which is essentially a bunch of 2NE1 songs without Bom trying to sell her 2 lines worth of vocals, Dara delivering a verse that nobody cares about and CL filling in the swag crater left by Minzy.

"The baddest female" is exactly what we all expected from CL. This isn't what is disappointing about the song. What's disappointing about the song is that it's utter shit. The only thing which saves this whole mess is CL's swag in the music video, which is just plain stupid now. The girl sells every single ridiculous look in this video and makes each of them work in a way few bitches could and your fave wishes. 

O hai Mademoiselle Yulia! It was nice of you to make a cameo in this music video, even though hardly anybody will know who the hell you is. Now, if you could high-tail your green and black dip dyed wig into the studio and give me another album, that'd be super! My body is ready for a follow up to Mademoworld.

Music video: Hiromi - M

So, my ex-girl Hiromi has decided to jump on the covers bandwagon. Fuck Beni. I blame her for this mess.

Hiromi will be releasing a mini album of *self covers titled Incomplete -Traces of 5 years- on June 22nd. I have zero interest in this album, which is about the same amount of interest I had in her last studio album Honesty. I had such high hopes for this girl following her amazing debut, and all she's done since then is fall off. I do not know who she's blowing at Sugabee records to have a tour commissioned (Honesty tour 2013 coming to a Lotteria near you!!) and an advance on recording ANOTHER album. But Hiromi is staying on that Sugabee pay roll. I'm happy for her to still be in a position to keep releasing music, because she is being given lifelines other bitches would snatch a child for.

I hope Hiromi gives me a Rainbow throwback for her next full length album. Because I refuse to allow an artist with as much potential as Hiromi to just fall off, stay off and be walking off like this. Where is the girl who was giving me J-R&B realness 4 years ago!?

Album reviews: Rainbow | Magic 

* Denotes an edit made to the original post , based on clarification given by my skank bitches in the comments.